So This is Growing Up?
I stared at my calendar today for what seemed like an eternity. It's a glow in the dark calendar that tells me every moon phase for the month so I can plan my life accordingly. As I stared at the phases in March it occurred to me that it's exactly six weeks until my 29th birthday. Your 29th year is supposedly the year of your Saturn Return - a time, should you believe in it, where you suddenly seek dramatic changes from life, for better or worse. After reading further into it, I did find a lot of my thoughts aligning with what it entailed. How, I have a craving inside of me that isn't being satiated, and changes, big changes, appear not far off on the horizon.
I feel that I'm nearing the end of an era - a ridiculously tragic, moving, and comical era. My 20's allowed for some pretty obnoxious behavior on my part - late nights out, lots of drinking, a few failed relationships - with both friends and lovers, all which led to some pretty significant self-awareness. Could it be at some point you can't blame your age for your behaviors anymore, and those behaviors actually do define who you are. Is who I am right now who I want to be, I wondered. Each time you near the end of one phase just before you embark on the next the wheels of self-reflection begin turning. Who am I? Where am I going? And where should've I been by now?
From a young age we set ideals in our mind regarding what we're supposed to do for a living, how much money we should make to act as socially respectable adults, and who we need to date in order to live comfortably. I'll say this honestly, every ideal I had as a child is on a completely different parallel from who I actually became. According to my inner child, by now I would be a very wealthy actress married to James Van Der Beek, and although I can't say I'm entirely upset things turned out differently, I do realize just how much our minds change over the years of our lives. Some of the things I wanted from life only five years ago are so drastically different from now. Some of the people who I thought would be around forever have faded into the distance. It's a very humbling experience to first realize and then admit that nothing in this world is always going to go as planned, and most certainly nothing is forever.
There's a stigma that comes with age that tells you with each year you should be closer to this person you thought you should be - this functioning, successful adult person. But like I said before, we are always changing. If ever you are fearful that you're not becoming who you thought you should be by now, maybe that just means you've changed your mind about what it needs to look like. We all have ups and downs, times of success and failure, no one time in our life ever actually defines us - I mean, as long as you never killed anyone. I'll be the first to admit that I was once the conductor of the hot mess express for a time, a long time. Some people may continue to view me that way, but I personally view myself as a young, brave, female adventurer who demands to see all the world has to offer (and who loves wine.) Your age is a number, but who you are is whoever you want to be at any given time. You may remain young at heart for all of your days, you're never old just because you are getting older.
As I enter the last year of my 20's - my beloved, shitty, amazing, growth-filled 20's, I realize how much I'm going to miss them with all of my heart. And it's not that I'm sad or afraid to be in my 30's, but I'm just sad to see my 20's go. They've been this roller coaster ride of love, heartbreak, failure, and ultimately triumph. They've been both exciting and dangerous, and I'm truly impressed that I survived them. They've been a time I really got to know myself, and sometimes even understand myself. But what I've learned ultimately, at the end of the day, is that this life is yours - you get to make all of your own rules. You don't have to care so much about what other's think if you don't want to. You can wake up one day and decide to travel the world, and you can do it all by yourself. You can choose to love people instead of fear them - you can also learn that loving yourself if the first key. You paint the person you want to be at any given moment, reinventing yourself time and time again, because this is your life, and you get to make all of the rules. Cheers.
Upcoming Travel:// South Africa with my travel partner in crime March 18th!